


OKMutant

by rumba



Category: X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Brotp, Gen, brogurt, logurt - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 04:16:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,820
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5077441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rumba/pseuds/rumba
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt interrupts Logan while he's watching television to get some help putting together a dating profile. Logan obliges the elf, adding in a few of his own touches.</p>
            </blockquote>





	OKMutant

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the “Dating Profile” prompt as part of Logurt Week 2015.

Kurt thrust the laptop into Logan’s face, blocking his view of the television. Just seconds ago, Logan had been blissfully losing track of his afternoon while watching the Vancouver Canucks take on the Edmonton Oilers. It hadn’t been much of a game. The Canucks had been blowing out the Oilers within minutes. But it was the _principle_ of the thing dammit.

“I need your help Logan." 

"Little busy here bub.”

Kurt flopped down on the couch next to his teammate. “This is important mein fruend.”

More important that hockey? Inconceivable. Logan let out an annoyed grunt, “Ah … alright, what is it?”

“I need your hands.”

“Beg your pardon?”

“I need you to type for me. This keyboard is not made for … hands like mine.” Kurt held up one hand and wiggled his over-sized digits.

“I’m not your secretary Kurt.”

Kurt looked around the room nervously. “I need someone I can trust with this.”

“I’m not helping you look up porn.”

“No no. I …” Kurt lowered his voice, “I am setting up a dating profile.”

Logan chuckled and slapped Kurt on the back. “Well good for you. Its about time you got back out there to meet someone.”

“Vell, yes, there is that. But I mostly want to do this so I can tell Moira to stop trying to set me up.”

“Fair enough. Hand ‘er over and lets see what we can do.”

The landing page of the OKMutant website proudly declared across the top: “The web’s FIRST and MOST TRUSTED dating site for the EVOLVED man, woman, or higher dimensional non-gender identifying entity.” Logan dragged his finger across the trackpad to the “Create New Account” icon. Clicked.

He looked over the screen for a moment and said, “Okay … so it looks like they want some basic information, then want you to answer a few yes/no questions to help get you matched up, and then some open ended stuff.”

Kurt nodded, “Fire away.”

“Age?”

“Thirty-nine. Can you believe I’m going to be forty soon?”

“Talk to me after your first century bub.”

“You don’t look a day over four-hundred Logan.”

“Watch it buddy or your gonna be doing this with your tail … Alright, gender. Male, think we know that one. Unless you’ve got some life changes planned you’ve not told me about?”

“Not at this moment.”

“Let’s see here, height?”

“One and three-quarter meters.”

“Site wants freedom units.”

“Ach… uhh…” Kurt thought for a second. “Five feet… fourteen inches or so? It’s sixteen inches in a foot yes? Or is it twelve? I can never remember.”

“I’m just going to put down 'bigger than a breadbox.’”

“Works for me.”

“Alright…” Logan paused at the next question. The screen read:

_I am interested in (check all that apply):_

_() Men._

_() Women._

_() Non-binary persons._

It struck Logan that he wasn’t entirely positive of the answer. He wasn’t keen on asking. Sure, Kurt had a number of romantic partners that were women, but every once in a while he caught the elf casting a glance… Better to just select everything and let the man sort it out later. He clicked three times.

“Vhat was that?”

“Oh just some legal stuff. You know terms of service, we care about your privacy, we’re going to spam the shit out of you everyday and let all our friends do the same, blah blah blah.” He paused. “Alright, now we’re getting to the good stuff. Yes or no questions. You ready?”

“Ja.”

“Okay. In a relationship, I like to discuss politics with my partner.”

“Ugh, no.”

“It is important for me to make physical contact when showing affection.”

“Hm… I vould say yes.”

“Would you strongly prefer to date someone of your own skin color?”

Kurt and Logan looked at each other and then both burst into laughter. “Given ze nature of this site, that seems like a less than thoughtful question.”

“Alright, I think that one is a no.” Logan chuckled. “Alright.. back to business. I believe in monogamy.”

“Ja.”

“Would you consider dating someone who dislikes children?”

“No.”

Logan raised an eyebrow. “Really? Children. The little things that drool, spit up, and have to be changed and fed constantly. You wouldn’t date someone who disliked _that_?”

Kurt shrugged, “They are adorable, even despite those things.”

Logan rolled his eyes. “Alright alright. Let’s see here … If you were in a long-term monogamous relationship, would you consider your partner 'open mouth’ kissing someone else cheating?”

Kurt thought for a second. “I feel zat there is a level of context here that is missing. For instance, if I was caught in a parallel-dimension where the only way to escape back to my partner was by seducing the gatekeeper of the galaxy, and that seduction involved open-mouth kissing, I would want my partner to understand. As I would naturally understand their actions in same situation.”

Logan blinked. “Did that… did that actually happen?”

“It may have, I don’t remember exactly. Parallel universes can be very dream like.”

“Well, they don’t have an option for 'What happens on Alpha Centari stays on Alpha Centari’ so yes or no?”

“I’m going to have to say no then.”

“Alright, next question. I enjoy cuddling.”

“Of course.”

“I would be willing to try out new things sexually with a partner.”

“My goodness, is that actually a question?”

Turning the laptop so that Kurt could see, Logan offered, “Yep, you can read it right here if you want.”

Kurt’s cheeks flushed a deep hue of indigo. “Ach, I suppose so.” He hesitated a moment before adding, “Logan. I am serious, no one is to know about this profile.”

“That’s going to make it hard to meet someone.”

“Ach.. I mean on the team. Just … don’t share any of this please.”

Logan held up his hand in the sign of a salute. “Scout’s honor.” He had never been a scout of course, but that was a discussion for another time. “Alright, next question. Would you date an atheist?”

Stroking his chin, Kurt paused and considered the question. This one seemed to really bother him. He scrunched his face and finally said, “I would have to say yes, I would not reject them out of hand… but they would need to be OK with my own faith.”

“Fair enough. Do you drink?”

“Ja.”

“Do you smoke?”

“No.”

“Do you think women have an obligation to keep their legs shaved?”

“Unglibech no.”

“Are you an aspiring actor/artist/writer or other creative type?”

“No.”

“Oh, I don’t know Kurt, I think you’re a pretty amazing swashbuckler in the Danger Room scenarios, you sure you’re not trying for an all mutant remake of _Pirates of the Caribbean_?”

Kurt rolled his eyes, “No, and I don’t think that my Danger Room programs are what they are getting at.”

“Point taken. Would you like to be the supreme ruler of all people on Earth?”

“Ugh, no. Never.”

Logan laughed, “I think that must be the supervillan sorting question.” He looked down at the screen. They had reached the end of the yes/no questions. But… Kurt didn’t necessarily know that. It dawned on Logan that, in this very moment, he had an interesting opportunity.

He cleared his throat and continued, “I would like my partner be limber.”

Kurt looked puzzled. When he thoughtfully put his hand on his chin, Logan tried hard not to bust out laughing.

“I would say… it is a benefit if you have to fight off attackers. So yes?”

Logan chuckled. “For attackers. Of course. Okay… next question. I am okay with edible undergarments as part of bedroom activities.”

“Vas?!? Is that an actual _thing_?”

Biting the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing, Logan nodded. “Different folks different strokes, you know. Probably good to know these things about a potential mate up front.”

“Maybe I am not cut-out for this Internet dating thing.”

Logan worried for a second that he had gone too far and scared poor Kurt off. And what a shame that would be. This had turned out to be far more fun than watching hockey. “Now now. Don’t get discouraged. We’re just about at the end of these. Let’s just put down "no” for now if it makes you uncomfortable and go to the next question.“

"Yes, bitte.”

Logan leaned over the laptop to make it look like he was squinting to read while he quickly brainstormed what else he could throw in. “Uhh.. lets see here. I would loan a friend fifty dollars to cover their drinks for a night.”

“Hmm… I suppose that depends on the friend.”

Logan looked up at his comrade. “Pretend it was me.”

The puppy dog look in Kurt’s eyes almost made Logan feel bad for having this bit of fun. Almost.

“For you, of course!”

Okay, now he did actually feel bad.

“Shucks… Well, I think that’s it for the yes/no questions.” Logan clicked into the next section of the webpage. “Ready to move on to the longer ones?”

“Ja.”

“Alright, let’s see here… describe your idea of a romantic evening.”

Kurt got a far-off look in his eyes. “Candle-lit dinner at a small, cozy restaurant … A corner booth. Perhaps some wine. Dancing. Waltzes. Followed by an evening at the theater. Crepes for dessert. A long walk along the river…”

Logan nodded and typed in, ’ _Rescuing you on the high-seas while I fend off hordes of pirates. Please message if you own period appropriate attire_.' 

“Okay Kurt, think I got that. Let’s see here… where do you most want to take a vacation to?”

“Hmm… that’s tough. I would have to say.. Prague. To see the St. Vitus Cathedral, The Church of Mother of God before Tyn, and maybe the House of the Black Madonna.”

Logan keyed in, ’ _Bahamas. See above_.’

“Got it. Alright, last one. What is your biggest fear?”

Kurt sighed and looked out the window. “That I will someday fail my team-mates.”

Logan sat solemnly for a second before placing a sympathetic hand on Kurt’s knee. “Me too Kurt, me too.”

He returned his hand to the keyboard after a moment and typed in, “ _Space spider-pirates_. _Totally a real thing_.” After clicking submit, he was brought to the last page.

“Okay elf, it just wants a profile name and a password and you are all setup. I’ll set your password as 'password123’ and you can change it later. Want do you want for your profile name?”

“Oh, I hadn’t thought about that… how about…” Kurt paused, momentarily stumped. He looked around the room. “How about… 'Romantic At Heart’.”

“'Romantic at heart’, done.” Logan keyed in, “ _BlueberryOnTheHighSea_.”

After clicking “Submit,” Logan quickly closed the browser and handed the laptop back to Kurt. "Alright, you’re all setup there stud-muffin. Happy hunting.”

“Thank you for your help mein freund.”

Grinning, Logan settled back into the couch, eyes returning to the game on TV.

“Anytime.” He paused, then added, “Just not during hockey.”

-END-

**Author's Note:**

> Author’s Notes: And to think, all of this could have been avoided had Kurt just figured out how to use Siri…


End file.
